The Fluctuation Story

Fluctuation Collage

My issue has never been that I have to force myself to go to the gym. I don’t hate every second I spend there, I don’t dread going. In fact, I actually enjoy it. It is thrilling to me to lift more this week than I did last week. I love seeing the changes that happen in my body. I even love supplementation, trying new products, and waiting for my order to arrive. My issue is not the fact that to be fit, I need to be active. My issue is that I cannot stay consistent. I fluctuate, over and over. I don’t just go up by a few pounds, I don’t drop 5 pounds a week either. I go up and down by 10-15 pounds over the course of a few months. I do it so quickly, that it escapes me that it is even happening. For me, it is all diet. I love to eat, and that is great, but I can’t just have a cheat meal here and there, it has to be every day, all the time. My life is run on cravings, which is extremely unhealthy. 

When I was in high school, I was on the swim team. I was so active, that I could eat whatever I wanted and never notice it. I’d go to grocery stores in the middle of the night, buy a cheesecake, peel back the metal base, and just eat the whole thing like that. Not an inch was gained. McDonald’s was my best friend. No longer. Of course, that comes with age as well. When I went to University, the meal plan killed me like it does every Freshman, but instead of gaining 15 pounds, I gained 34. One day, I woke up and weighed 142 pounds. I didn’t even notice it. I just went to put on a pair of jeans I used to wear, and they wouldn’t go half way up my thighs. Well that was that, right? Changes had to be made? Nope. I have NEVER dropped all of that weight. I have gotten close, but no cigar. People tell me that I can’t possibly weigh the same as I did when I was 17, and that it is unrealistic, but to be a bikini fitness competitor, I best be in better shape than that 17 year old cheese-cake consuming girl. I would hope.

Either way, I went on a journey to drop those pounds, and I have dropped and gained over and over for the last 6 years. It was easy to keep it off in high school. The Catholic School uniform helped for sure. I knew I was getting fat as soon as it became difficult to close my pants. So I would just notice that they were getting snug, and I’d cut back on the crap foods. In the real world, filled with sun dresses and yoga pants, it is harder to track those small gains, leading to bigger gains.

I have never hit 140 again since 2008, just like I have never been below 110. I tend to go between 115-130. I do this over and over again. This is my fluctuation game. For fun, I made a collage of these gains. The first two images are the most serious, since that was my 34 pound jump. After that, I stuck to gaining and dropping 10-15 pounds. The only time this loss was done properly was when I did the Kris Gethin transformation program, which is displayed between the last three images. The first, was March 2013. I started the program in April, and finished at the end of June (the image in the park). Then, I went downhill and ended up back at the last image, today’s image, which has brought on this change.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not constantly obsessing over my weight, but I would really like to make a solid change and live a healthy lifestyle. It can’t be healthy to gain and lose weight over and over again. This pattern will stick with me for life if I don’t break it soon. My father is in the same position, having lost “thousands of pounds” over the course of his life, because we tend to like to over indulge, and then follow that up by obsessive fitness binges. Instead of ending up desperate for change, I want to find a lifestyle I can stick with. I want to stop the fluctuation, and really focus on growing as a person beyond my waistline.